Brilliant: Embracing My Emotions as Radiant Light

The one in which Jonathan learns that his superpower shines like a bright light.

“We all know Jon, he’s an… emotional guy. (Haha.)”

I can still hear the words. The tone. The chuckle that followed. Spoken just a few years ago, by a supervisor of mine. I remember my insides contracting and shriveling up. Trying to maintain a polite smile while wanting to disappear.

Ever had a truth spoken about you in a way that cuts you on the inside? Where someone, even if trying to sound sincere or kind, describes you in such a way that feels demeaning? As if they’re trying to explain something about you to others, something that it’s clear they perceive as a weakness or inferiority, by joking lightheartedly at your expense? (“Oh, you poor thing” kinda vibe?) 

It’s the worst. 

I’m Jonathan, and I’m an emotional guy. 

I’m a cryer. “I’m a major weeper.” (Jude Law, “The Holiday.”)

My son glances my way in every emotional scene, whether in Frozen, Queer Eye, or Remember The Titans, to see if the water works have started. He knows it’s coming. I know it’s coming. We all know it’s coming. 

I’m an emotional guy. 

Always have been. 

But up until recently, I’ve really struggled with this superpower. Because as we all know, oftentimes our super powers can be perceived and construed by others as weakness. And so we superheroes can struggle with shame, and try to hide ourselves.

My wife has always loved my superpower, as have many other beautiful traveling companions along the journey. I’ve been fortunate to find souls who have nurtured me along the way, and spoken truth to me about my superpower.  

A few years back, I was sitting in a living room in the company of my beloved cohort from my master’s program, during graduation weekend. The journey we shared together in our program was an incredibly intimate, beautiful and life changing experience, and that evening we had gathered together with a few of our professors to reflect on our time together, share stories, and to speak blessings over each other.

I was a hot mess. Gushing. Every word spoken over each of my friends. Every story told. Tissue. Tissue. Tissue. Cry. Cry. Cry. All my feels on display. And all love from everyone - they knew me. Haha. No surprises here.

But what one friend spoke over me that night changed my life forever. It was a graduation gift that will last a lifetime.

When it came time for her to speak over me, she said: 

“I’ve been trying to come up with a word that best describes you, and the word I’ve come up with is brilliant.”

“You’re brilliant.”

“And I don’t mean it in the way we typically use it, describing your intelligence, necessarily - though you are intelligent. But I mean it in the way we describe light.”

She went on - while I bawled, tho safely in the company of others by this point - to describe that I was “brilliant” in the way that my love was just so radiant and bright. That the depths at which I care, and feel, and express my emotions is brilliant. Like a bright, warm light that impacts everyone around me.

Obviously I’m gushing again as I write this. I do every time I think of this moment. 

I’m brilliant. 

My brilliance has become a bedrock piece in my identity. I have very few moments in my life that compare to this one, in terms of another soul seeing me, knowing me, and being able to name me. 

That moment changed my life. It broke chains. It set me free. It gave me identity. It gave me eyes to truly see my superpower.

I’m brilliant, baby. 

If you’re with me, we’re gonna feel the feels. And if you’re not feelin’ them, I’ll feel them for the both of us. It’s okay, it’s my superpower. I’ve got this.

I’m brilliant.

Bright. Beautiful. Radiant.

Sorry, not sorry.

I’m Jonathan, and yes, I’m an “emotional guy.” But it’s my superpower. And I’m learning how to claim my power, to take it back from anyone that’s confused about it. 

Because it’s a power I’ve been given to make others feel safe. Seen. Heard. Cared for. Loved. Nurtured. 

It’s how I go to battle. 

Let’s join together in the battle of normalizing emotional boys. And not just tolerating it, but dammit, let’s open up our arms in full embrace. For us major weeper boys, but also for boys in general to just have permission and be expected to be fully human. And being fully human is embracing our emotions - not denying or burying them. There’s BEAUTY, FREEDOM and LIBERATION that SO many of us need! Let’s make a better, safer and more inclusive world that doesn’t shame and harm boys - and in turn, cultivate boys who harm others out of internalized and suppressed wounds and pain - for feeling the feels. Because there’s plenty to feel about. Life is messy. And contrary to what toxic masculinity would have us believe, the way to be strong is to EMBRACE all that we are, and all that we’ve gone through, because ONLY in doing so are we able to truly be FREE and OVERCOME our hardship and trauma. 

Trust me, I’m brilliant. And I know it to be true.

______________

Photo Credit - Angela Leshch via unsplash: https://unsplash.com/photos/ZvFGRjqTeKQ?